Who's the Best Disney Princess? A Breakdown.

 [Editor's Note: We asked for 125-175 words on the title question; this is what we got in response]

Ranking of Princesses:

On the Disney homepage for “Princess,” I see nine girls. From left to right: Belle, Pocahontas, Aurora, Ariel, Tiana, Cinderella, Jasmine, Belle, and Mulan. While there are a few fringe “princesses” that could be counted, for sake of argument we’ll stick to these “official” princesses, which I will subsequently rank:  

1. Belle
2. Mulan
3. Jasmine
4. Ariel
5. Pocahontas
6. Cinderella
7. Snow White
8. Aurora
Unranked: Tiana

Methodology:

This ranking is purely qualitative, as I was unable to obtain sufficient quantitative data by the time of this writing.

In reverse order:

Unraked: Tiana. I tried to watch Princess and the Frog (streaming on Netflix instant for limited time) as research for this publication. I could barely get through the first 30 minutes. I watch a lot of bad movies. And a lot of bad Disney movies. I just couldn’t cope with the fact that I was going to have to watch her as a frog for the rest of the movie. She had dreams of opening a restaurant, and her song was ok, but overall her delivery was unmemorable. Maybe this is because I’m now 24 and the magic is gone, but a quick perusal of Princess on Rotten Tomatoes vindicated my cynicism. However, because I didn’t give her a fair shake, she’ll remain unranked.

8. Aurora. The thing I remember most about Sleeping Beauty was being scared out of my mind of Maleficent. But overall, Aurora is a yawner (pun intended). Also, she gets renamed “Briar Rose.” Gross.

7. Snow White. Snow white is a frumpy creep who somehow convinces a bunch of geezerly old men in tiny bodies to enjoy doing her manual labor. I don't even remember the rest of the story other than her singing with birds or something. The only reason she’s ranked higher than Aurora is her pseudo-capitalistic ingenuity.

6. Cinderella. Pretty much falls into the same archetype as Aurora, but somehow enjoys more prominence in popular culture. The myth is nice to imagine, and I give her points for eventually triumphing over the evil stepsisters (not bad for a “scullery maid”) but the whole Fairy Godmother thing is more of a cop-out than anything. Mulan and Pocahantas would laugh in Cinderella’s dainty-footed face. But perhaps Cinderella is merely a product of her time; stuck in the feminist fantasy right before the cusp of second-wave.

5. Pocahontas. While I never much cared for the movie (which was still 90 times better than Avatar) Pocahontas has one of the more memorable songs of the entire Disney oeuvre. On top of that, she’s smart, speaks impeccable English, and commits one of the greatest acts of raw courage (saving John Smith) of all the Princesses, rivaled only by Belle (which I will return to momentarily). Yet something about the gratuitously rewritten history of the story makes one uneasy.  

4. Ariel. Ariel’s song, “Part of Your World” is truly one of the finest examples of songwriting in the 20th century. She’s also spunky; a true rebel. Although I must confess I think the moral in the end is a bit… convoluted. I know the goal of Disney movies is to showcase triumph against inconceivable odds, but what if it comes down to physically changing your body type so you can be with the man you want? Is she really the best role model?

3. Jasmine. What is wrong with Jasmine? Um… nothing? If it weren’t for the exceeding qualities of the last two princesses, Jasmine would take the cake. She’s a princess, but remains awoman of the people; has a pet tiger; and totally rolls with all the punches when it comes to magic carpets and such. Voiced by Lea Salgona, “Whole New World” is incredibly memorable. BUT, she doesn’t get her own song. Major point deduction, but perhaps not her fault.

2. Mulan. Mulan would be number one but she’s not an actual princess, nor does she become one. However, she is also voiced by the incomparable Lea Salgona, and “Reflection” was so good even Christina Aguilera couldn’t screw it up. She subverts gender roles, but does so to preserve her ties to family; quite the opposite of the archetype. And let’s not forget she defeats the frikkin Huns. That’s impressive.

1. Belle.  Ah, Belle. “It is no wonder that her name means beauty.” Not just because of her pastoral charm, but her dedication to her father, her booksmarts, her stubbornness, but also her ability to look beyond all physical characteristics of beauty and into the heart of the Beast. What more needs to be said? Her songs are memorable. Her wit is quick. Even Gaston chooses her over the trio of bucolic skanks. Belle is the best Disney Princess. She truly earns her place in the castle, and could be my guest any day of the week.


Evan Cudworth is a guest writer with a large collection of Disney classics on his Ipod.